Spinnuh’s Instagram December Photo Challenge

1. An animal that isn’t your pet

2. Your two favorite movies having sex with each other

3. Action shot of you C-Walking

4. Someone looking at video games in WalMart

5. Your toilet at home

6. You and someone who works at a fast food restaurant

7. A bug

8. Your flexed biceps

9. A book that you’re reading

10. You giving someone a high five

11. A screenshot of someone’s response after you text them for no reason saying “I might be soft, but I’ll get hard if I have to.”

12. Your armpit

13. You flipping off a refrigerator

14. A tree

15. Something beautiful

16. Something ugly

17. Someone you’re pretty sure is a virgin

18. A picture of a picture

19. Music

20. Lights

21. Pyramid

22. Big toe

23. Your Crush

24. Family

25. Jesus

26. Who’s going to win the 2016 presidential election?

27. Your Healthiest Habit

28. Your Vice

29. Planking

30. Parkour

31. Fireworks

The RIV Bible

Faith is always an important subject during Republican conventions and during Republican primary debates to determine who is worthy enough and convicted enough by God to lead this country. Until this point, it was always perplexing to some why faith in God would matter so much to a party that ignores some of the most important teachings of the God they are so adamant about believing in.

But, I’ve finally found some answers. A Republican friend of mine asked me to join him attending a fundraiser for the Republican running to be a state representative in his county. Being the open-minded individual I am, I accepted the invitation.

As we entered, there was a greeter at the door passing out Bibles. You know, the same way they do at the gay pride parades to heal all of the homos. But this one was different. On the cover it said The RIV Bible. I asked the greeter, “What’s the RIV Bible? I’ve never heard of this before.” He responded, “Ah, it’s the Republican International Version. It’s kind of like our own denomination. There’s already too many to keep count of, so what’s one more going to hurt?” I couldn’t help but agree, and I began to read Matthew.

In the book of Matthew of the RIV version, there’s a couple of interesting interpretations of the verses I read growing up as a child:

Matthew 5:38-42 You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ And I tell you, this much is true. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, then sock them on their right cheek. If someone kills you, kill them back. If someone wants to sue you for $400, then hire a lawyer. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you and their credit score shall determine how much interest you shall charge.

Matthew 6:5-8 And when you pray, do be like the righteous, as they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, the more hypocrites who see you pray, the larger the reward. So when you pray, go onto a stage, invite all of your supporters and charge an admission so that everyone can see. Then your Father who sees what is done in public, will reward you. And when you pray drag out your requests and speak as long as you’d like out loud because your Father knows not what you need before you ask him.

Matthew 7:1-2 Do not judge , or you too will be judged. So I say to you, if you just cannot withstand to judge your brother or sister use this phrase, “Hate the sin, not the sinner” As this is something I have said several times before.

Matthew 10:34-37 Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. (Surprisingly enough this was just as it read in the versions I read as a kid. This one wasn’t translated differently at all.)

Matthew 19:16-26 A man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” Jesus said obey the commandments if you want to enter life. “Which ones though?” asked the man. Jesus told him, Don’t murder, don’t steal, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself. “Well I’ve done all these things.” responded the man. Then Jesus said to him that if he wants to be perfect to go sell of his possessions and give to the poor, because charitable donations are tax-deductible anyways. Then Jesus turned to the group and said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” When the group heard this they gasped, “Who then can be saved? We’re all so rich.” Then, Jesus, remembering that most of his followers were very rich responded, “Well it certainly is a task for a rich man to enter into heaven, but with God all things are possible. Carry on. But still sell all your possessions if you want to be perfect and give to the poor. But if you don’t want to, that’s okay. Because of God.”

Matthew 6:1-4 Be sure to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you don’t, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, make out an outrageously large check that should be held by yourself and the recipient for a photo opp. And when you give to the needy take your right hand and your left hand and grasp them together and shake them over your head. Then, your father, who sees what is done in public, will reward you.

After reading the RIV version of the Bible, I immediately forgot about all of the versions I had read before. I finally understood why faith was so important to the Republican party.

The Coolest Step-Dad

This is a story about the Alexander family.

Mr and Mrs. Alexander are divorced.

Mrs. Alexander is remarried. To Thomas.

They have two kids, Billy and Joey.

Mr. Alexander had to spend a lot of money that he didn’t have on lawyers during the divorce, and during the settlement he also had to give a large sum of money to his wife. He had to apply for a credit card to cover most of the expenses or else he would have been late on his mortgage and car payments. He didn’t want to lose his house, and he didn’t want to lose his car. He got to keep the kids.

Mr. Alexander sat down with Billy and Joey after the divorce and explained to them that they are going to have to cut back a little over the next couple of years, so he could pay off the debt on the credit card. Mr. Alexander regularly put 15% of each paycheck into savings, but now to pay off the credit card he puts 25% of each paycheck aside.

Billy and Joey visited Mrs. Alexander and their step-dad Thomas a couple of times a week for dinner or to go to the park. During one visit, Mrs. Alexander asked how Mr. Alexander was doing. Billy told her that they don’t go out for dinner and a movie as much anymore, because Mr. Alexander said they have to save some money to pay off the credit card. Joey said that normally Dad would put aside 15% of his paycheck and spend the rest on fun stuff, but now he puts 25% aside so there’s not as much money for fun stuff. Thomas thought that this was absolutely ridiculous. He told Billy and Joey that if he was their Dad he would even put aside less, 10% to be exact, for savings and spend the rest on fun stuff. Billy and Joey thought that was awesome.

When Billy and Joey got home, they had a talk with Mr. Alexander. “Dad,” they said “Why do you want to put more money aside to pay off the credit card?” Mr. Alexander told the kids that it’s a pretty basic concept. He said, “Sometimes in life, shit happens, and to keep the roof over their head I had to pay for the cost of the divorce with a credit card. And now I have to pay that money back. After I pay off the credit card, we can start doing more fun stuff like we used to do.” Billy and Joey thought this sounded pretty stupid. They said, “Thomas told us that he would save even less than you were originally saving if something like that happened to him.” Mr. Alexander asked them how exactly that would work. Billy and Joey didn’t know.

The next time Billy and Joey went to visit Mrs. Alexander and Thomas they asked Thomas how he would put less money aside and still pay off the credit card. Thomas told the kids not to worry so much about the details, but he just reminded them that if he was their dad that is what he would do. Billy and Joey liked that. They liked the thought of doing more fun stuff. Billy and Joey wished they lived with Thomas and Mom, because Thomas is more fun and would spend more money on fun stuff.

When Billy and Joey got home, they had another talk with Mr. Alexander. They said “Dad, we had a talk with Thomas about why he would put less money aside even if he had a credit card to pay off and how exactly that would work.” Mr. Alexander said, “Oh really and how did he say that would work?” The kids responded, “Well he didn’t really say, but he said he could and would do it. He’s the coolest step-dad ever. Why can’t you be more like him?” Mr. Alexander told the kids that if he was in fact their step-dad hoping for their approval by saying whatever they want to hear disregarding how little sense it made, then maybe he would be more like him.

Hitler and Me in ’43

One thing that I have kept secret for a long time is my the role I played during the Holocaust and the ties I held with Adolf Hitler. I have done all I can through the years to conceal my identity, but I have to let it all out. I have to tell somebody. I’ve done such a successful job that many of you have probably learned in your history classes that Heinrich Himmler was the leader of the SS and the chief of German police. It’s all a lie. It was me. 

One particularly interesting conversation I had with Hitler himself occured on the night of April 18, 1943. I was the chief of police and leader of the SS, so anytime Hitler had something on his mind that he wanted to share or get feedback about I was always the first person he called upon for advice. 

I arrived that evening after being called upon and was greeted by one of my officers who was on duty as Hitler’s body guard, and he warned me that the Fuhrer simply wasn’t acting like himself. He explained to me that he had been standing on his balcony staring at nothing, into the distance, for 3 to 4 hours before he had called for me. I asked the officer, “What in the hell?”

Sure enough, when I entered his office he was still staring into the distance. Not moving a muscle. In my head I was thinking, “What in the hell?” I said to him, “What is it that you’ve been staring at for the past 3 to 4 hours Hitz? What’s on your miind?” (He and I went way back and Hitz was just a nickname I gave him when we were kids.) 

He pointed to the west and said, “See there?” And I pointed to the west and said, “There by the old cathedral?” He said, “No a little further to the north, that open field.” I said, “Ah, I see it now.”

“That’s the field we are planning for the next concentration camp to occupy. I think it’s big enough. We are running out of room in the other camps and need to expand. You would think that by now people would stop being Jewish. Yet, there’s more Jews than ever. Like being a Jew is hip. Some of them think it’s noble to die for what they believe in. Some of them just just fear eternal separation from their maker if they don’t die for what they believe in. What are they to do? Do they say ‘No I’m not a Jew’ to spend five maybe nine years longer alive when they were taught since they could crawl that those who weren’t Jewish would live no longer than the short time their soul was trapped inside of flesh? I think they’re too scared to pretend.”

Puzzled, I responded, “Did you invite me over to ask me if I approved of the site you have chosen for the next camp? Is that what you’ve been thinking about all this time that you have been staring into the distance? Is that what you’ve been thinking about while you were just looking out into the middle of nowhere? If so, I approve of the site. I think it is fine. I can’t imagine a way to fit more than two gas chambers on the plot, so it will be smaller than the others but it’s acceptable for now to deal with the growing demand?”

“No that’s not why I brought you here. I’m beginning to question myself. I wanted to discuss it with you. I wonder if I’m really doing the right thing. Is killing all of these Jews really what I am here to do? I have never felt guilty about the Jews I rid the world of, but today is as rare that I can barely take it. I feel like falling on my knees, burying my head in my hands, and weeping.”

I reminded him of the time that he told us all that he was doing God’s work. He told us all that we were doing God’s work. He was confused about whether or not it really was God who had told him to kill all these Jews. I asked him if the thought woke him up in the middle of the night. I asked him if when he thought these thoughts when he was awake if it sounded as if it was a voice in his head sounding similar to his own voice yet somewhat deeper, more distinguished, and echoed a little bit in his brain. He told me that sounds about right. I assured him that it was definitely God, then. I told him that’s what God sounds like.

At this point, I confessed to him that at one point during 1942, around March, I was experiencing some of the same guilty concerns. I told him that sometimes I would sit up for hours before I could fall asleep thinking about what I was accomplishing by killing all these Jews. All of these Jews that I had never personally known anything about besides that they believed in talking snakes. 

“How did you deal with the guilt? Of all my men, you are the hardest on the Jews. I can’t imagine you ever feeling any guilt or remorse. How did you do it?” Hitz asked me.

I proclaimed that the first thing that came to mind was the economy. I would ask myself, “How are we going to deal with the unemployment rates? I told myself that our children grew up and trained their whole lives to join the SS because they saw how successful we were and the comfortable lives we lead. Who am I to take these dreams away from our children? What are they going to do when they are finally accepted into the SS, and all of a sudden we aren’t killing Jews anymore. What would they do then? All they have studied for years is how to spot a Jew and how to exterminate one. I told him that I didn’t want to be the one who told my hard working, dedicated child that all he had worked for to live the dream life was a lost cause.

I had to go into detail for Hitler to understand the effects it would have on the economy. I told him as long as we kept killing Jews, a man would be making money walking a Jew to the gas chamber, a different man would be making money turning the gas on, and a different man who would come into the chamber afterwards to clean it would be making money. I explained that as long as there were Jews, and as long as we had enough Germans who wanted them dead that our economy would prosper. How would we replace all of these jobs? I asked him if he wanted to be the Fuhrer who went down in history as the leader of Germany when it experienced the worst economic instability conceptualized.

Then I explained to him that if we stopped killing Jews that everyone would want to be Jewish. I asked what would hold them back. I told him that people would be lined up outside of churches, and we would surely have to spend our own money on building new churches to accommodate rather than the wine and decor we spend it on now.

After I explained the consequences of terminating the termination of the Jews, Hitz just stood continuing to stare into the middle of nowhere as he was before I arrived. He never specifically affirmed to me that he agreed with the advice I gave him, but evidently he did since he went on killing Jews for the next two years before killing himself. He may have been a Jew deep down and couldn’t stand it.

Fortunately, he did take my advice and didn’t go down in history as the man who led Germany into a deep depression because of the loss of jobs in the Jew Killing industry that provided so many. If it wasn’t for me, his reputation would have been ruined. If it wasn’t for me, everyone today would think of him as “a bad guy”.

The Benefits of Criminalizing Golf

I’d like to shed light on an issue that has gone unnoticed for far too long. It is about time that something was done about a “recreational hobby” that is ruining lives all over the country. I urge Congress to take action and the people of the United States to rise against this obsession American people have with Golf. Those who play it tend to call it recreation or fun, but it’s clear now that it is more of an addiction.

Think about how much better it would be for our country if so much money wasn’t spent on green fees or country club fees. It would be great for the economy. These golfers are distracted at work; reading golf magazines, thinking about when they can get out on the course next. It would clearly improve employees production at work and focus.I can’t think of anything golf provides for our country that is good. Most of the golf carts these players use aren’t even gas powered.

Everyone knows that a significant percentage of the people who play golf also put money on the line against their friends when they play the game. If this was such a friendly game then why are people losing so much money and drinking so much alcohol why they play???? I heard on some courses little whores with short shorts go around serving married men beer. I mean that’s basically the definition of immoral. However, not as immoral as the thousands of people who skip church on Sunday to play the game. They’re out there saying the “F Word” when they shoot a bad shot. What The Freaking Heck is wrong with these people? Once we finally admit that anyone who plays golf should be criminally charged, that’s when we will see so many less financial lives ruined. I mean, I’ve heard of people who can’t control themselves on the golf course. Betting $10, $11, up to even $12.50 a hole. People will buy their children a less expensive birthday gift just so they can afford their country club fees and their wagers. This just isn’t right people.

I understand that some of you will claim this is a game of skill, but I mean come on; you cannot control the wind. There is a large amount of luck involved. You can aim for the fairway or the green, but once you actually swing the club you just have to hope for the best. You cannot just will the ball into the hole. So when it comes down to it, it’s still a game of chance. That’s why the number of people who buy golf books, take golf lessons, and watch golf on television is about the same as how many people buy books about playing roulette, and take roulette lessons, and watch roulette on ESPN.

So, it’s clear we have to take a stand for America. Let’s get these addicts of gambling and lust who call themselves golfers back home to their families where they belong before they kill themselves or harm society even more. Criminalize Golf.